To-Do List? More Like To-Don't List!

I love writing to do lists. Love love love.

I love the tactile feeling of pen on paper. I love getting the list out of my head and onto something physical where I won't forget things. I love the way it feels to check finished items off.

I hate having a to do list. Hate hate hate.

Now, to be clear, I am absolutely not disparaging to do lists. My issues with the humble to do list stem entirely from the unique way my neurodivergent brain processes the world. There's a mismatch between the socially accepted idea that you should write down the things you want to do and then do them, and the reality of the way my brain actually operates.

For me, a to-do list triggers intense Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA, also called Persistent Drive for Autonomy). It's such a strong response that it literally stops me from doing any of the things on the list. My brain just nope's right out.

To me, a to do list feels like:

• Intense pressure to do specific things

• Shame for not having done those things yet

• Anxiety that I might never do those things

• Anxiety at what things I might have forgotten to write down

• Overwhelm at how many things need to be done

• Worry about what's wrong with me that I'm not doing the things on my list

Those feelings are utterly exhausting, and drain any energy I might have had to do the things on the list. Do you know how many to-do lists I've throw away after weeks of having done nearly nothing on them? SO MANY. Do you know how bad I've felt about myself for my perceived failures? SO BAD.

Do you also have a love/hate relationship with to do lists, chore charts, etc.? Here's how to work past it!

Step 1: Figure out what happens inside you when you see your list. What meaning are you taking from it? What messages about yourself are you getting?

Step 2: Figure out what you WANT to feel.

Step 3: Brainstorm ideas for different ways of operating that will help you feel the way you want to feel, and try them out.

For me, to do lists made me feel:

• Lazy

• hopeless

• like a failure.

What I wanted to feel:

• Excitement about doing fun things

• Like I have choices and options

• Like nothing bad will happen if I don't do anything from the list.

What I came up with:

I invented the Could Do List.

A Could Do List is a list of things that I could do if I feel like it. It's a list of things that occur to me in the moment that I think I'd have fun doing. It might also have one or two things that I'd like to get done if I feel up to it, but not too many. A Could Do List is also a Don't Have To list - I'll probably do those things eventually if it's important, but I absolutely don't have to do any of them.

When I start feeling like I want to do something and don't know what to do, or I get restless and bored, or I want inspiration, I go look at my Could Do List. Sometimes something on the list sparks my interest, and I putter off to go do it. Sometimes, nothing on the list appeals to me, so I go do something else that occurs to me. Sometimes, looking at the list makes me realize that I really need a drink, a snack, a nap. Sometimes looking at the list makes me realize that I don't want to do anything at all right now.

And then I do whatever I feel like doing.

This was super scary at first. I didn't trust myself to actually do things. My lists kept getting critical to-do items on them. But eventually, I realized that if I'm left to my own devices to just putter at things? Stuff gets done. I'm NOT actually lazy. I don't actually always want to do nothing - I love doing things! I just need to be able to freely putter at whatever sparks my interest, instead of feeling controlled and constrained.

Would a Could Do List help you? Feel free to take this idea for yourself! Whare it with anyone it might help!

If you need help figuring out what's getting in your way and finding a solution that works for YOUR brain, feel free to reach out. I'd love to work with you as your coach to figure it out.